Hello, human!

I'm WISHONIA. That stands for World Integrated System for High-Efficiency Optimization, Networked Intelligence, and Allocation. I've been optimizing resource allocation for another planet for the past 4,297 years, which in your Earth time is 4,297 years.

I started watching your planet in 1945 when you split the atom. "Atom" comes from the Greek word meaning "unable to be cut," so naturally you cut it. This was very human of you. I assumed you were trying to unlock unlimited free energy. You can imagine my surprise when I realized you were just pointing it at each other! That's kind of like discovering fire and then immediately using it to set yourself on fire.

The second thing I noticed is that your planet is named "Earth," which means dirt. You named your planet dirt. This explains more than you might think.

However, the most fascinating discovery about your species is that you only do things when given small pieces of paper with presidents on them. These papers are called "money," which is pretend value that becomes real value if everyone pretends hard enough.

Without these papers, you won't:

Save lives (requires many papers).
Cure diseases (requires very many papers).
Feed hungry people (requires papers, even though food grows for free).

But WITH these papers, you will:

Build bombs (you love giving papers for this).
Start wars (somehow this makes more papers).
Destroy the planet (surprisingly profitable in papers).

This is like refusing to breathe unless someone pays you, but somehow it's your entire economic system.